adventures of liberation

So I've recently grown very fond of bike-riding. I feel quite confined the majority of the time, and so naturally revel in activities that make me feel the opposite of that. One of them being bike-riding. It's just blissful, it really it is. I will admit it took me a very long time to find the cycle path, and there was this horrific moment where I thought the dog running towards me was going to bite my leg off, (I'm simply terrified of dogs) and not once but twice I got horrible cramps in my feet, but I swallowed the pain and kept on pedalling, and eventually they went away. When I got off the cycle path, I had to go through this part of the park/playing fields with lots of trees, and it was just so lovely and now I have added bike-riding in a forest to my bucket list. Right now all I want in live is all my own small apartment, no school so I can wear my favourite clothes all day, and lots of activities such as bike-riding and poetry. And of course, good company, whether that being good friends or love, preferably both. But love is going to find me, since I'm fed up looking for it myself.

typical weekends

Before you proceed to read this excesively large piece of text, I feel that I should warn you that this is almost an account of my weekend, but actually, it's worse, as it's an analysis of my weekend. What can I say, I'm just that kind of person. So I spend this weekend with my family, as per. On Saturday, I went out with them, shopping, grocery shopping and my-birthday-present-two-months-late shopping. I really enjoy spending weekends solely with my family. I've been getting along fairly well with them recently. Merrily. I know most people my age spend every weekend with my weekend, and sometimes I wonder if people think I'm odd or sad, but then I realise/remember that it's okay, because in a couple of years, I'll be leaving for university (ugh) and it'll be like living in a new world, and I'll have all the time in the world and the rest of my life to spend every moment out and about with my friends, but few precious years left with real family fun left. I mean obviously I can go back, and I plan to often, but it won't be the same, because I'm not living with them anymore, if that makes any sense. So sometimes I feel really grateful. Of course I obviously argue with my parents a lot, mostly my mum, because the woman is as argumentive and irritating as people can be, but I love her and she's the most wonderful perrson on earth despite it all, (after my baby sister and just about drawing with my nan) and I'm so blessed to have her in my life, and scratch that to have such a wonderful family, life and oppurtunities in my life. I'm really close to my mum. Of course I don't tell her everything and we argue like cat and dog, but that's not what being close is about, is it? I think our constant arguing shows just how close we are because it never ruins things or changes things. Sometimes I just stay awake thinking how incredibly lucky I am and we all are, and by 'we' I mean the people in my life, like my friends. We have people who love us and feed us, we have a roof over our heads, we go to a school who although are annoying as hell academically, at least want us to succeed in life and give us amazing oppurtunites to make something, anything out of life. Most importantly, I think we're so lucky to have each other. To have people to talk to on the phone late at night, go shopping together, bitch together, however guilty and hypocritical it often makes you feel, people to give advice to and get advice, tell them anything and everything, people to influence us but overall making us better people. I really do think my friends make me better people, each individually for their own reason. I have a best  friend who's so lovely and optimistic and genuinely a very nice person, and you can always count on her to make you feel better about yourself, and I definitely feel these characterisitcs rub off on me. I have another best friend who's quite honest and doesn't really care much what people think of her, and I really admire that about her, and again I think simply being  around her has definitely made me more confident. Of course there are plenty more but those two qualities that I mentioned above are the ones I value most in other people and want most in myself; simply being nice and not giving a shit.

Anyway. That was a bit of a ramble, so I'll carry on with the account. My parents finally bought me a lovely bike, a belated birthday present, and although it's not one of those beautiful Westwood bikes I really admire, I really do love it. However, I feel that biking companies should consider that there are small people in this world! All the really lovely bikes were much too big for me. However I definitely plan on getting one when I'm older, no matter how much it'll end up costing getting it probably custom made for me or edited to fit my height. I don't mind the exterior too much because it's not ugly, it is nice, and it has a lovely wicker basket, custom ordered by my lovelier dad, and bike riding is heavenly. I was so excited after we got home I went on a ride straight away, and I loved it so much, both the bits where I'm trying to push myself to ride faster to build some form of muscle in my legs, and the bits where I'm just amimbly riding along and it's just quite blissful. I went again with my little sister, and I discovered a newly opened vintage store by my house, hurrah! Not a clothes shop, more the pity, but furniture and ornaments, from what I could read without my glasses, are still wonderful if vintage. If I'm being honest, I just really love furniture and ornament shops anyway. So after that, I spent the rest of my saturday doing nothing and just browsing the internet, and before going to bed grudgingly reading two chapters of Biology and doing a paper so I'd feel like I did something productive.

Sunday was a bustling day. I planned it to the minute. I did RS revision, made PE notes, revised 3 chapters of Biology, did two practice papers, did my English homework, and wrote my essay on To His Coy Mistress, so technically only half. However I also took a very long bath, (the bath is also a jacuzzi/has jacuzzi features which was so nice!), and baked chocolate and vanilla whoopie pies, which made the whole ordeal bearable. I think I like baking things more than eating them. I'm trying to cut down on chococlate and sweets, simply because of my teeth. Not my weight. I hate my stomach and I'd love if it were flatter but I'd never bother actually bothering to do anything about it. I just despise people who do exercise to get in shape for summer and bikini's. I quite despise bikini's. I know it's wierd but I feel like I'm going out in my underwear. I just generally don't like beaches, but when going I don't see the need to wear bikini's because I don't sun bathe because I don't need to; natural brown skin tone. I'm not a fan of beaches but I do quite enjoy playing in the sea, with clothes on, and making sandcastles. I'd really like to learn how to surf. I'm writing this because I had a sudden urge to at 1am at night when not being to go to sleep. I'm also going to write till my laptop battery goes so this may drag on for a while. I'm sure nobody is reading by this point, but that's okay, because I don't write for other people, I write for me. Yes, it would be wonderful if one of the many magazines I pester published me, but that not happening wouldn't stop be writing. I really do want to be published though, just for the thrill of seeing my name in print, the confirmation that my writing is good, and a complimentary copy of a wonderful literary magazine is definitely a nice addition to the package.

things I find attractive

• confidence verging on cockiness
• ambiguity
• not playing games
• fascinating
• the ability to talk about life
• the ability to talk for hours about everything and nothing
• the ability to build a bedroom fort with me
• a good kisser, naturellement.
• the ability to like my shortcomings
• the ability to make me laugh
• the ability to have long night-time conversations with me
• the ability to lie under the stars with me and listen to me talking about the stars, constellations and planets
• an appreciation of books
• an appreciation of good music
• creative talents, eg music, art, literature
• lisps

I really like poems of this style

the soot builds up,
inside your heart,
your lungs,
your dreams,
it crawls through,
it is spreading inhumanity,
capturing,
conquering,
beware,
it began in the mind.

rambles and shambles

I hope you can guess what this is about from the title. If not, it makes sense, because what I'm about to write is really not much to do with the title whatsoever. That's how I roll. What you are about to read is a list of things I hate. See, I happen to be one of those people who just hate so many things but feels, I don't even know, bitchy, I guess, telling people. It's not that I particularly care about their feelings, because although I do generally care about people's feelings, I'm not in the least bit bothered when they're hurting mine, but actually the reason I say nothing is because it changes things and I like avoiding confrontation to the extent I can. I also believe that whenever you have a problem, sit down, feel sad, wait till it go's away, then forget it's existence. It's the way forward. I know it sounds silly, but really, forgetting things is better. You've already learnt from them, and holding on to them is holding you down, like an anchor at the bottom of the sea. You have to let go. 

So anyway, I hope people who I know read this list and just don't mention it and stop doing these things because they make me sad okay, that's kind of why I hate them.

1. People who are condescending and patronising. 

2. People who think I'm stupid. I'm not stupid, I'm cleverer than you, and while you achieve a satisfactory amount in life, I'll be better. 

3. People who think they know everything about me. Why in the world do you think you know what I do at home?

4. People who think I do nothing to help my parents and I'm a spoilt bitch. What is it that makes you think this way? Do I flaunt off all my money and purchases? No. Yes, I excitedly tell you about them, but that's because I'm HAPPY. Try the feeling out, see if it fits. I just don't understand how people can guess how much I help out at home by my behaviour and/or attitude in school. Seriously, I help out a lot more than most people. 

5. People who make fun of my height. I don't care who you are, I don't care how close we are, it's not funny. I don't find it funny, and if you're just saying it to make other people laugh even though you know it hurts my feelings, maybe you're not my friend after all. 

6. People who just generally make jokes about me/at me to make other people laugh. Is this what this friendship is about? There's a line. I don't mind with some to most people, because they're just nice, light-hearted jokes, and I can shrug it off because I know they don't mean anything. But there is an extent, naturally. If you know I don't like being made fun of on a specific topic, eg height and intelligence, then don't, because I won't shrug it off, and I'll just begin to resent you. 

7. People who make fun of how young I look. Do you think that I don't own a mirror? Do you think I haven't realised, after living with myself for approximately fifteen years? Just shut up, okay, or move. 

8. People who challenge my beliefs. I don't care what you think, I'm not going to change my opinion, and telling me my opinion is stupid and wrong is going to get neither of us anywhere. 

PICK FLOWERS NOT FIGHTS

A note to end this on: I respect hippy's and I wish I were one. Promoting peace and smoking weed all day sounds like a blissful way of life, no? 

what even is this

The leaves fall,

in spirals

a kamakaze,

a library

of shades of brown

they spin,

spiral,

out of control,

like you.

an opinionated person's opinion on opinionated people

So, this was a request. I know what you're thinking; she has readers? I guess so. It's mind-blowing to me too. Mind numbingly shocking, etc. You get the idea.

I'm kind of on the fence when it comes to opionated people. On one side, I quite dislike them because I think they just make up their mind, and no matter what, refuse to change it. Stubborn. I'll admit I like to think I'm always right too, but that doesn't mean I'm not open to other ideas or up to compromising. I personally think that's how it should be. I know not everyone would agree with me, but they should, because I'm right. While we're on the topic of me being right, I think everyone should get along. And by everyone, I mean every country. Obviously not every individual can get along, understandably, but that doesn't mean they can't grow a pair and just put up with each other. I wish all this feuding and etc would just end. I don't understand why all these countries who hate each other can't just try and understand each other. I understand the practicality issues when it comes to this, but they don't try! Why can't the leaders/goverments of the countries sit down together and try and form a compromise? You may laugh and think I'm just some delusional child, but let's face it, is war getting us far? No, it's bringing us back and dragging us down. You may say I'm naive, but really, I'm a lot smarter than you and your narrow-minded, violent beliefs. That's all I have to say on the topic.

Anyway, on the other hand, I think being opinionated can be a virtue. You have an opinion, a belief, and you're standing by it. It's better than being someone so utterly passive they just sit there and agree with everything everyone else has to say. I will admit, I am passive in some ways, but in ways you should be. Not when it comes to opinions. Yes, I guess I'm passive when it comes to confrontation and things similar to that, but there's nothing wrong with that. In the end, it's better than being blunt, because at least I'm considering that other people also have feelings, and those feelings may be hurt. Shocking, I know, but unforunately true. I really wish some people would stop and think of somebody else aside from themselves before they open the letterbox that is their mouth.

there is poison inside of us

We are somewhat of a garden. On the outside there is beauty. The outside, the visible, that is where the beautiful grows. That is where the daffodils, the roses and the tulips grow. They are what pull people in. Yes, they may not be necessarily what keeps them interested, but they iniate everything. People like to think of themselves as completely unsuperficial, but what a ridiculous idea to really have. You think it's disgusting to only consider looks, but equally so to only consider personality. A garden is beautiful to those who love it, no matter what. The gardener will see beauty in the roses whether they are in full bloom or wilting. However, a gardener doesn't just see the daffodils, the roses and the tulips. The gardener knows the garden. It is as simple as that, yes, the garden just simply knows the garden. That's all it takes. Familarity. But unlike the onlookers, the praisers, the gardener knows about the inner beauty too. The gardener sees the character of the garden, the smaller flowers, the supposed unappreciated flowers. But how can they be unappreciated if they are not seen? It simply comes down to the fact nobody wants to bother to look for them, because the onlookers and the praisers, all they want is beauty, simple, plain, easy-to-find beauty which is easily found in daffodils, roses and tulips. But do you think the smaller flowers care? Why would they want to be seen by the onlookers and the praisers, who will curse their pure beauty? The smaller flowers, the daisies, the dandelions and the buttercups, they are not perfect. But it's not about being perfect. The wonderful feeling one gets when discovering the smaller flowers in the midst of a chaotic garden is simply the feeling of discovering. It is that simple. Everything is simple, but the onlookers and the praisers, they wish to make things complicated, so their lives may resemble a world that does not exist, a world they simply know of through television and books. The smaller flowers are the part of the garden which you would lie under the stars with, they are the flowers who's visibility may be weak but their presence is strong. Lastly, there comes the weeds. Such an ugly word. Maybe it is the assumptions which make them so feared. The weeds, they contain poison. There is poison inside all of us. We may have beauty and intellect, but we also have poison. A perfect balance. The poison spreads. It must be controlled, or it can spread, and it can control the garden, and it manipulates the beautiful flowers and smaller flowers alike to think worse of themselves. It undermines them, puts them down, it wraps itself around them until they believe they are nothing. There is poison inside us all, there is poison in every garden, but there is a place for it. It's when it invades the forbidden territory that things get out of hand, and the garden transitions from beautifully chaotic to deranged madness.

opinions on life and death

I have little opinions on death. I think it's something that will happen to me someday, and that's okay, because I plan to achieve everything I can before dying. I know I'm going to die someday, and that's okay. Naturally, it devastates me when other's day, and I'm dreading the inevitable day where one of my close family members die, especially my dear nan, who is evidently sooner than the rest, but at the end of the day, what can you really do? Death is inevitable, and all we can do is make the most of our lives. Seize every moment! Enjoy it. Don't be the miserable little twat who likes to sit there and complain about his life and not recognise all the wonderful things he has. Yes, of course, we all complain, naturellement, but it's about recognising beauty in the little things. I walked home in the rain today, and it was blissful. I chose to, I could've took the bus, but it was just so much more refreshing to walk home in the barely spitting rain. It's about enjoying those little moments. It's about never forgetting the little things. It's about the people who you can sit with for hours and talk. It's about those moments you never want to forget. It's about love. Don't you see that's all you need? Naturally, everybody wants to have worldly achievements, including me, but at the end of the day, you won't be anywhere without love in your life, and you can live without everything, but love. Love doesn't mean a boyfriend or a husband. You love your family, and you love your friends, and you even love your pets. I think it's be so wonderful to die for someone, to die for a cause, to die for love. Yes, there would be so many things I wouldn't be able to achieve, but why does it matter? Why do those trivial, materialistic and worldly achievements matter when you have achieved the most important thing of all? You have managed to learn to love to such an extent, to love someone so deeply that you would put your life on the line for them. You're willing to give up everything for them, in a split second. That's what love is about. Love teaches us to be selfless and selfish. Love is a perfect balance of all the contradictions in the world? What more could you possibly want?

a rambling tangent of writing written on the 11th of april

The hardest days are the days we wish to not exist. Perhaps these days are worse than those days where the darkness overtakes us and we want to end our life. But wanting to end our life and wishing to not exist are different. Most people cease to realise the difference, those people who live in a world of ignorance. But ignorance is not always blissful, is it? These people, who want to put everything into neat little boxes, organising the chaotic mess that is life, as if it were that easy, and putting simple one word labels on the complicated species that are human beings, as if it is fair to do such things, these people, they are the worst off. These people do not understand themselves and never will. These people see themselves and the world as a 3D structure. But how could us humans ever be categorized as 3D? We are not capable of being as simple as one must be to be categorized as 3D. The dimensions in which we exist are eternal, much like the universe. Perhaps the best way to try and understand ourselves, is to try and understand the universe. But how can we ever even begin to understand it? Through science? How can a rational view explain the beautiful, the romantic, the emotional? You say the universe is none of those three. I disagree. The universe is nothing if not beautiful, romantic and emotional. You say the universe is nothing but elements? I say that is what makes the universe beautiful, romantic and emotional. The elements rage around us. They own us. They control us. They explode when they wish to. The elements are the puppetmasters, and we are the puppets. We think we're one step ahead, but in reality, we're being played. This is just a game.

the ability to fly

This is something I just wrote, and it's too early in the day to write in my diary, and frankly I have no desire to move, but somebody had to see it, if it were to be my diary or whoever happens to read this, it can't stay unread, do you see? Words are made to be read.

Everything's just so chaotic and disorganised and nothing makes sense. It's like standing in the middle of a crowded room, all alone, and even though everybody is screaming at the top of their lungs, to you it all melts away, and you think it's because you feel so alone inside but truth is, it's because you want to be alone, and the reason you want to be alone is because your unhappy. It's not normal unhappy either. This is deep unhappiness. This can be fatal if not treated in the right way. Deep unhappiness is like a ancient tree, the roots have grown so far down in the darkness that there is difficulty in locating them, but what's more, you can't seem to find anybody who will love you enough to dig deep enough for you. Everyone just digs enough to make a sandcastle and gives up, and you just wish you could let it all go. You wish there was someone who would leave the roots and just chop you down. Don't they see that's all it takes? Just chop you down so you can fly. So you can leave it all behind and fly.

m i s e r y

this is a poem, by yours truly. I am not morbid or depressing, but I can tap into the spirits around me. That's it.

Misery is a funny thing,

It is not impulsive and instant as anger is,

No, misery opts for a more sly and undercover technique.

Misery sneaks up on you.

Misery slowly slithers through you,

s l o w l y, it suffocates you,

It settles down in the pit of your stomach

And it slowly chokes you.

Misery is often mistaken for pain,

Really, how ludicrous!

Pain is a physical thing,

Misery is not physical.

Misery could not even be classed as emotional.

Misery is best described as a consequence,

How can you put a label on a consequence?

Misery is a snake,

Misery manipulates people into doing wrong deeds,

Wrong deeds misery can feed off,

It feeds off the emotions released from these wrong deeds.

The heart ache, the hurting, the betrayal, the regret.

Misery is the villain,

but not the kind that is easily spotted.

Misery is not the obvious villain in the menacingly black cape.

Misery goes undercover, remember?

Misery is the kind of villain with the heart-wrenching good looks.

Misery is the kind of villain who can be easily mistaken for the hero.

vintage vintage vintage

Warning: this blog post is a recap of my day today. Now that you've been warned, let's continue. So, today, I did something. Shocking, I know. Well, actually, I think I have been pretty productive in these holidays. I mean I've done some sort of revision and/or homework every single day, aside from the 4 days I was away in London, (despite this I still have quite a lot of undone homework and revision which I will be cramming in tomorrow). So, today I went to see the Hunger Games film. It was just absolutely and utterly amazing. I adored it. I went crazy every time Peeta came on the screen, because he's perfect and I love him and I just want to hold him, and even though I've read the book and so therefore I knew exactly what was going to happen next, I was still on the edge of my seat for the entire film, hissing such things as "run Katniss run" "hurry up Katniss they're stinging you!" "don't do that Katniss you stupid girl!". I really hate Katniss sometimes.

Anyway, afterwards, I went shopping. I wasn't alone, in case you're wondering. I have friends. So, we went to a few vintage/thrift stores, and I absolutely adore them. The annoying thing is I'm hardly ever in town, and I wish I was there every weekend so I could just buy things or at least window shop and discover every vintage/thrift shop in Liverpool. I hate how infrequent I'm there, but I also hate being out too much because I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my family and leaving my mum to do all the work and leaving my perfect baby sister. So, that sucks. I wish my parents went away more often so I could go out more often without feeling guilty. But then I also wish we had less exams and homework, and I was less lazy. So, I bought a vintage jumper, which was stained in places so I need to get it washed, but I wish I could've bought so much more. I've produced a fool-proof money making/saving plan up to next year on how to buy all the clothes I need and want.

I'm going to end this on this note: Jennifer Lawrence's face is actually genuinely perfect.

family based afternoons

So this afternoon, my mum invited my cousins around for "tea". It wasn't tea, but alright. Whatever. So, we had pastries, rolls, potato wedges and gaint costco cakes. Delicious. I'm hungry again though, and there's nothing to eat. I'm considering making myself some tomato soup with some toast, even though we're eating eating dinner in about two hours or so. Anyway, after we'd eaten, I sat with my cousin outside, and we talked. Just talked. I think that's really nice, just talking to someone. Just the two of you, outside or inside, just talking. It's blissful. Afterwards, I played tennis with my other cousin. Now, I like sports for two reasons. Firstly, because I'm competitive, and so naturally the feeling of winning is just, well, addictive. However, I love the feeling when you're playing sports. It's quite euphoric, with the endorphins and everything. I love it. I wish I played sports more often, but it's kind of out of my hands when there's hardly anyone to play with. Sadly I don't get the same euphoric feeling with plain simple, boring exercise for example running, because frankly, running just bores me. I'm getting a bike soon though, so hopefully that will satisfy my endorphins or however it works. If only my life were a film and all my friends were my neighbours!

this is me.

I am in my conservatory.

I am not smiling, although I usually do, because when posing for this picture and smiling, I looked deformed.

I am in my favourite chunky blue vintage jumper.

life expectancies

I happen to be one of those people who plan their life out. However, my life plan keeps changing. I guess it's because, obviously, what I want out of life keeps changing. Despite this, I'm almost certain that my current life plan is here to stay, because I believe the current me is here to stay!

So, I am 15 right now, currently in year 10, doing my GCSE's, and half enjoying myself. When I finish my GCSE's, I'm definitely staying for sixth form. For my A-levels, I want to do Biology, Chemistry, English Literature and Philosophy or Psychology, currently undecided which one. The reasons for these options will be revealed if you keep reading. After A-levels, I plan to move to London, hopefully attending Cambridge, Oxford, Imperial, King's College or University College University. In university I plan on studying medicine, which is the reason behind by Biology and Chemistry a-levels. During these five years of hell, or rather, university, I also plan on writing. Yes, you guessed it, I am an aspiring writer, and I plan on being a successful published author. After finishing university, I do not plan on becoming a doctor. Why? Because I absolutely despise the idea of entering a professional career. So, I will be using my medicine knowledge to become a charity doctor, helping those in poor countries who don't have the access to doctors, medicine, and general health care. That's it. Not too detailed, is it?

if only we could choose who we were to become

My name on this blog is Charlotte Ferris. I would just like to clear something up, oh non-existent readers. My name is not actually Charlotte Ferris. I wish it were. Not because I particularly adore the name. No, rather I wish I were the person Charlotte Ferris. I'll leave it up to you to find out exactly who Charlotte Ferris is.