but what if fate falls short

What if fate falls short?
If fate falls short, then the stitches are falling apart. If your life is a rag doll, then you have the pieces, but you can't piece them together. But if fate isn't there to stitch the pieces together, then what will happen? It seems impossible to do fate's job, but all the pieces are already there, so what is stopping you?
If fate falls short, then optimism is down the drain. If you can't believe that things will turn out okay in the end because fate has a plan, then there's little you can believe. How do you keep your spirits up?
If fate falls short, people will lose hope. Fate is perspective. Fate opens peoples' eyes to the pieces they already own to guide them in and out the stitches, winding in, winding out. So is fate just in the mind?

Perhaps fate only exists through the belief of others.

the turning point

I was sitting at home, pondering about the boredom of my everyday life (as per), when I started to think about a similar story line that both my favourite tv shows and my favourite books share. They all have that turning point in life, and it's all down to a person. It's when they all meet that person, and after meeting that person, nothing is ever the same. It is their life-changing person. In How I Met Your Mother, I reckon it's Barney. Where the hell would Ted be without Barney? He meets his wife at Barney's wedding! In Pretty Little Liars, it's obviously when the girls meet Alison. In Big Bang Theory, it's when Leonard and Sheldon meet Penny. Coming to books, in The Lost Art Of Keeping Secrets, it's when Penelope meets Charlotte. In The Sky Is Everywhere, it's when Lennie meets Joe. In Catcher In The Rye, I reckon it's when his brother dies, but that's different, because it obviously doesn't change for that better, but I think he's still waiting for his life changing person to come along with the turning point. In Looking For Alaska, it's Alaska. In The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, it's when Charlie meets Patrick and Sam.

Must I go on?

However, all these books & films we all enjoy so much, they always show you what happens when the usually annoying and often pathetic protagonist meets the life-changing turning point person. I haven't met that person yet, so my life can't become a book just yet. I'm still waiting. I know they exist. Books & films aren't conjured up out of nowhere, they're based off real life. A prime example is How I Met Your Mother, it's based off the writer's life. Just read the wikipedia page. Wikipedia isn't the answer, it's the question. The answer is, 'yes wikipedia is always right'.

rejection rejection rejection

I just received another rejection email, so I'm officially on submitting hiatus, since all magazines have hit their deadlines, rejected me, and are now on hiatus till autumn. I'm actually considering joining my school's creative writing club, so I can have some kind of achievement through my writing (though even that's doubtful)
20x20 magazine is open for submissions, and the meta-words are 'a serious game'. I have no idea what to write for that though, and I'm pretty sure it'll get rejected anyway, but I'll still be trying my best! (I have to get accepted one day)

I had my first day of work experience today, and I really enjoyed it, and felt lucky for my placement after reading my friends tweets about it being boring / tiresome, etc. Daycare is not tiresome. Ok, maybe continuously being asked to play tickle chase is a little tiring, but it's fun! I enjoy all the things I get to do, such as play outside and tell stories, but kids really over-do it! I told five stories in a row today, to the same adorable kid, and he interrupted me through every page to tell me something. There's a limit to what my throat can take!

So, yup. I just felt like posting, since I haven't in a while, enjoy non-existent readers, and check out my new lookbook post :)

Ex FF readers

I don't know how many of you will actually come to look at this, but oh well. I tried posting this on FanFiction but they deleted it. So here it is:

Hi guys :)

So as you know, I quit a while ago, but since there was only one chapter left to go for The Popularity Contest, I was going to finish. HOWEVER, I just received an email today telling me it's been deleted because it's not appropriate for all audiences. Er, what?

Thanks a bunch to whoever is responsible for this!

Anyway, I was wondering if any of you know if there's any way I can get the story back, if that makes sense? I don't have it saved anywhere, because I've had various computers, and it's been about 2 years since I started it, I think. I don't think I'll reupload as it's such a hassle, but I'd like to have a copy of MY story. So anyone know how I can do this, if I can?

I'm going to be really annoyed if I can't and emailing FanFiction to complain, bitches.

Thanks :)

the elbowing out of winter

Why is Winter the villain?
Why is summer the hero?
Winter brings smiles,
Winter brings presents,
Winter brings new birth.
Summer brings drought
Summer starves the flowers
Suffocates them
Winter gives them time to sleep
Winter replenishes souls
Winter is a time for baking,
For cuddling,
For woollen jumpers,
For scarves, hats and gloves,
Summer drains water out of the body
Summer brainwashes
Summer is the real enemy
The real enemy hides
Summer disguises itself
Elbows out winter
Winter is trying to save us.

tea time

We had another tea party of sorts with my auntie's family. I told my mum yesterday that I would not be baking anything for her because I'd be busy dying over and avoiding my revision. So she took this as an invitation to get me one of those 'ready-made/add an egg, that's it!' sets, you know the ones that include cake mix. I felt insulted, especially since she picked an ugly one. So I decided to take it as a challenge to completely change the mix. I used the cake mix, added cocoa power and made it into chocolate cupcakes. I'm more proud of the icing though, I took the icing sugar they provided, added in cocoa powder then added butter, and made it into butter icing! I was very proud. They looked great, tasted great, and my soul felt replenished after baking. I hate exams so much and I can't wait till they're over so I can spend my time doing things I enjoy such as bike-riding, baking and reading.

flick up to that flickr!

Flickr is a website of mine, that I use. Strange habits, I know. Anyway, I post lists and extracts from my journal. The three pictures from above are things I posted today. They're a bit blurry because I've had to shrink them down for this site. So please, non-existent readers, go to my flickr, and please please PLEASE comment or favourite on my pictures :-)

soul-searching

 definition: the contemplation of your own thoughts and desires
This is the dictionary definition. To me, soul-searching will always be about finding yourself. I know that's quite an over-used term, so I'll explain what that means to me too. To me, finding yourself means finding what makes you content, reaching that point where all the stars and planets align and nothing could ever bother you. To go soul-searching is to go on a journey for the soul, not for the materialistic part of you, but for the spiritual part of you. A soul-searching journey is all about nourishing your soul, through culture, art, and whatever else makes whatever country unique. To me, soul-searching is about trusting your instincts and going wherever you think is right in that minute of impulsiveness. 
So, one day I'd like to go soul-searching, and to do this, I'd like to go back-packing, but my type of back-packing. I plan on sticking to the traditions of only carrying possessions in a back-pack, but I won't be camping. I'm not sure if that's what back-packers do, but even it is, I won't. Motels I can do, but I think I'd end up getting robbed if I camped every night. Anyway, back-packing around Europe or is one of my life goals. I want it to be around Europe because I think they have a lot of art and culture to see. I know plenty of places do, but each place in Europe is so different to the other. Is Greece anything like France? I think not.
I haven't decided if I want to do this alone or with someone. It'd be nice to be alone, because you would get a real chance for contemplation and discovery, however, it wouldn't be as exhilarating and enjoyable, plus after while, I can imagine it would get a little lonely. However, if I am to go on this journey with somebody, I'd definitely want it to be someone who's fun as company, can put up with me, (you'll understand this later) and is up for anything. I wouldn't want it to be someone who prefers the lavishes of travel, if that makes sense? Of course I'd like to try food originating from that country, but not a five star restaurant. Right now, I can get quite whiny and irritable in hot conditions, which happens to the best of us, so I'd look to be with someone who knows either how to deal with that or avoid that. I think the right people can put and keep everyone in a good mood. 

I'd also like to go on a road-trip one day, with my best friends from high school, around America. I haven't out much thought into that, but it's something I definitely plan on doing someday. I don't want to settle into a life or be married until I've done the two above things. 

"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." - St Augustine 

"People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home." - Dagobert D.Runes

"One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things." - Henry Miller.

reasons to love hippies:

- they don't give a fuck what people think of them
- they want world peace and to save the environment
- they listen to wonderful serene music
- many aspects of the hippie culture was formed in the 1960's and 1970's
- they believe in love, not war
- they smoke weed
- they also like the 'natural high' through meditation and music, etc
- backpacking and other hippie-esque activities
- they are often vegetarian, and vegetarian café's are always so lovely and cool
- they wear such creative and unique clothes
- they're open-minded and liberal

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
-Mahatma Gandhi

"He who takes a stand is often wrong, but he who fails to take a stand is always wrong."

-Anonymous

"Hippy is an establishment label for a profound, invisible, underground, evolutionary process. For every visible hippy, barefoot, beflowered, beaded, there are a thousand invisible members of the turned-on underground. Persons whose lives are tuned in to their inner vision, who are dropping out of the TV comedy of American Life."
-Timothy Leary

"It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves."
-Carl Jung
"Imagine no possesions, I wonder if you can, No need for greed or hunger, A brotherhood of man. Imagine all the people Sharing all the world."

-John Lennon
 "It's amazing how low you go to get high."
-John Lennon

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."
-Eldridge Cleaver 
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed individuals can change the world, indeed it's the only thing that ever has."
- Margaret Meade 

Polaroid-ed another one of my favourite pictures! We baked brownies that day, muy fun.

I've just had brunch at my auntie's fun, which was lovely, as always, and now I'm back home, back to work. I'm going  to revise a little for PE, do a past paper, then do something fun. I'm not sure what though yet.

mid-morning friday feelings

when I look down
they stare at me
defiantly
so I hide
under tables
behind smiles
and cheery eyes
and tell myself
I'm silly

family related pictures I really like

I look quite disgusting in all of these but that's okay lol

sunday's

I had a very nice Sunday, and most of today, so I thought I'd blog about it, so I don't forget about it. I'm also going to add this day and a half to my list of memories I'd never like to forget.

So it was my baby sister Zara's birthday 1st birthday yesterday! I swear nobody was excited for it as I was. My mum thought it was really weird because I was so excited for all the presents she was going to get. I just love presents, and I just adore her, so it makes sense to me. Anyway, so in the morning everything was really scurried with all the preparations, eg making the food, cleaning the house up, and putting up the decorations. I loved putting up the decorations though, everything just looked so festive, and I loved it! My sister looked perfect in her little black and white princess dress, with roses on. Then again, I think she looks perfect whatever she wears, (because she is perfect). I wore the same dress I did  for my birthday. I really do love that dress, it's so nice because it can be worn casual or dressy. And I love polka dots, I'll admit it. I might post a picture later of that outfit, or another outfit, because I really do want to start posting clothes on here. So after everything was set and everyone had arrived, I really started to enjoy it. We were having a barbecue so I didn't really have to participate, at all. So me, two of my cousins, and another girl who we aren't related to but we're so close to that she's considered family, if you get that, were all sitting on the trampoline in my back garden and just talking. It was really nice and we sat there for hours. Until it was time to eat. Then we ate food, which was nice because food is always nice, and then it was time to cut the cake! Zara was so cute then because she kept like whacking the cake and trying to eat it, because it had her face on aw. I'll post a picture when I can be bothered to get the pictures off my camera. So we cut it, which took a while, took loads of pictures and set off the confetti canon, which was genuinely amazing, it just went everywhere! You really should've seen the state of our conservatory. Then after we helped clean up, we snook loads of leftover food upstairs, it was a lot, then we stayed up till like 4am. One of my auntie's came in and stayed with us for a little while, which was really fun, because she's so lovely and she just acts like a kid. Just before that we'd had the old antique radio I love so much on, but they were playing really shit songs so my and one of my cousins were just singing Taylor Swift songs over it. There was four of us and mattresses on the floor, but we still decided to get on the same bed, and then none of us could be bothered to move. It happens. It was nice because along with giggling at everything and being stupid, we were also talking about nice meaningful things, which is a wonderful combination, you have to admit. We fell asleep at some time around 4am. In the morning my younger, not baby, but younger sister and my younger cousin kept bothering us and waking us up, along with throwing things at us, which wasn't nice. But then we got up and went to the games room and we just spent hours there playing games. We played pool, carom board and several gruelling rounds of checkers. Then we had yummy breakfast and went up to watch one of the most wonderful films in the world; A Walk To Remember. They just left about an hour ago so I thought it'd be nice to write a blog post about it. That's it.

I'm really hungry now so I'm going to eat something, watch some TV, do some revision and possibly homework, watch A Walk To Remember again and watch the new Victorious episode on the internet. Oh, and shower.

I downloaded a new application to my computer that makes polaroid pictures and I love it. I really love this picture. It's from my birthday, it's cute and my room looks nice in it.

exam fear

I have this brilliant way of ignoring the terrifying thought of my exams until late at night, when not much can be done. Then I go into terror mode, so I write down some sort of revision plan to reassure myself that I know what I'm doing, then I have some cereal in bed to soothe my nerves.
But I really should revise, right now. Since I got home, I've watched TV, made lists on the internet, and watched TV on the internet, (and spend time with my perfect baby sister). Productive, I know. No need to congratulate me.
However, in my mock for PE (the exam I'm dreading the most), I got 86% in the first paper and 93% in the second! Very proud of myself. However again, that doesn't mean I'll do particularly well in the real exams. I want an A*, simply because I desperately want an iPhone. It is my only motivation right now.
I'm completely consumed by school right now. Today has been nice, because it's Friday, but other weekdays and even weekends are full non stop full of revision, homework and controlled assessments. I'm itching for summer, for pretty clothes and an actual chance to wear them, for sunshine, for some kind of fun and freedom feeling. I think I've bagged a job for summer, so that's good! It'll be the first time I make money, ruling out the two hours I worked for my dad, where all I did was fold letters and seal them into envelopes. I got over 200 done. It was endearing stuff.
So this is just one of those blog posts. I just started my bucket list, made a short term to do list, and updated my lists of films to watch and books to read. I'm halfway through Jane Eyre, and it's wonderful! However I wish the corners would stop becoming dog-eared, because it isn't my copy. Life.
I think tonight I'm going to do some PE revision, make some people paper-chains for my room, and clean my room. I might write before I go to bed, I've been so consumed by the horrors of school I haven't had any time.
Oh, and on Sunday it is my perfect baby sister's first birthday! I can tell you nobody is as excited as I am, honestly, I just can't wait! I'm going to bake her fudge cupcakes too. To be honest, I think I enjoy baking more than actually eating them. Baking is just so calming and wonderful and blissful.
I really need to finish that scarf I started knitting around a century ago.

I'd really like to post outfits I wear on here, but is that wierd?

adventures of liberation

So I've recently grown very fond of bike-riding. I feel quite confined the majority of the time, and so naturally revel in activities that make me feel the opposite of that. One of them being bike-riding. It's just blissful, it really it is. I will admit it took me a very long time to find the cycle path, and there was this horrific moment where I thought the dog running towards me was going to bite my leg off, (I'm simply terrified of dogs) and not once but twice I got horrible cramps in my feet, but I swallowed the pain and kept on pedalling, and eventually they went away. When I got off the cycle path, I had to go through this part of the park/playing fields with lots of trees, and it was just so lovely and now I have added bike-riding in a forest to my bucket list. Right now all I want in live is all my own small apartment, no school so I can wear my favourite clothes all day, and lots of activities such as bike-riding and poetry. And of course, good company, whether that being good friends or love, preferably both. But love is going to find me, since I'm fed up looking for it myself.

typical weekends

Before you proceed to read this excesively large piece of text, I feel that I should warn you that this is almost an account of my weekend, but actually, it's worse, as it's an analysis of my weekend. What can I say, I'm just that kind of person. So I spend this weekend with my family, as per. On Saturday, I went out with them, shopping, grocery shopping and my-birthday-present-two-months-late shopping. I really enjoy spending weekends solely with my family. I've been getting along fairly well with them recently. Merrily. I know most people my age spend every weekend with my weekend, and sometimes I wonder if people think I'm odd or sad, but then I realise/remember that it's okay, because in a couple of years, I'll be leaving for university (ugh) and it'll be like living in a new world, and I'll have all the time in the world and the rest of my life to spend every moment out and about with my friends, but few precious years left with real family fun left. I mean obviously I can go back, and I plan to often, but it won't be the same, because I'm not living with them anymore, if that makes any sense. So sometimes I feel really grateful. Of course I obviously argue with my parents a lot, mostly my mum, because the woman is as argumentive and irritating as people can be, but I love her and she's the most wonderful perrson on earth despite it all, (after my baby sister and just about drawing with my nan) and I'm so blessed to have her in my life, and scratch that to have such a wonderful family, life and oppurtunities in my life. I'm really close to my mum. Of course I don't tell her everything and we argue like cat and dog, but that's not what being close is about, is it? I think our constant arguing shows just how close we are because it never ruins things or changes things. Sometimes I just stay awake thinking how incredibly lucky I am and we all are, and by 'we' I mean the people in my life, like my friends. We have people who love us and feed us, we have a roof over our heads, we go to a school who although are annoying as hell academically, at least want us to succeed in life and give us amazing oppurtunites to make something, anything out of life. Most importantly, I think we're so lucky to have each other. To have people to talk to on the phone late at night, go shopping together, bitch together, however guilty and hypocritical it often makes you feel, people to give advice to and get advice, tell them anything and everything, people to influence us but overall making us better people. I really do think my friends make me better people, each individually for their own reason. I have a best  friend who's so lovely and optimistic and genuinely a very nice person, and you can always count on her to make you feel better about yourself, and I definitely feel these characterisitcs rub off on me. I have another best friend who's quite honest and doesn't really care much what people think of her, and I really admire that about her, and again I think simply being  around her has definitely made me more confident. Of course there are plenty more but those two qualities that I mentioned above are the ones I value most in other people and want most in myself; simply being nice and not giving a shit.

Anyway. That was a bit of a ramble, so I'll carry on with the account. My parents finally bought me a lovely bike, a belated birthday present, and although it's not one of those beautiful Westwood bikes I really admire, I really do love it. However, I feel that biking companies should consider that there are small people in this world! All the really lovely bikes were much too big for me. However I definitely plan on getting one when I'm older, no matter how much it'll end up costing getting it probably custom made for me or edited to fit my height. I don't mind the exterior too much because it's not ugly, it is nice, and it has a lovely wicker basket, custom ordered by my lovelier dad, and bike riding is heavenly. I was so excited after we got home I went on a ride straight away, and I loved it so much, both the bits where I'm trying to push myself to ride faster to build some form of muscle in my legs, and the bits where I'm just amimbly riding along and it's just quite blissful. I went again with my little sister, and I discovered a newly opened vintage store by my house, hurrah! Not a clothes shop, more the pity, but furniture and ornaments, from what I could read without my glasses, are still wonderful if vintage. If I'm being honest, I just really love furniture and ornament shops anyway. So after that, I spent the rest of my saturday doing nothing and just browsing the internet, and before going to bed grudgingly reading two chapters of Biology and doing a paper so I'd feel like I did something productive.

Sunday was a bustling day. I planned it to the minute. I did RS revision, made PE notes, revised 3 chapters of Biology, did two practice papers, did my English homework, and wrote my essay on To His Coy Mistress, so technically only half. However I also took a very long bath, (the bath is also a jacuzzi/has jacuzzi features which was so nice!), and baked chocolate and vanilla whoopie pies, which made the whole ordeal bearable. I think I like baking things more than eating them. I'm trying to cut down on chococlate and sweets, simply because of my teeth. Not my weight. I hate my stomach and I'd love if it were flatter but I'd never bother actually bothering to do anything about it. I just despise people who do exercise to get in shape for summer and bikini's. I quite despise bikini's. I know it's wierd but I feel like I'm going out in my underwear. I just generally don't like beaches, but when going I don't see the need to wear bikini's because I don't sun bathe because I don't need to; natural brown skin tone. I'm not a fan of beaches but I do quite enjoy playing in the sea, with clothes on, and making sandcastles. I'd really like to learn how to surf. I'm writing this because I had a sudden urge to at 1am at night when not being to go to sleep. I'm also going to write till my laptop battery goes so this may drag on for a while. I'm sure nobody is reading by this point, but that's okay, because I don't write for other people, I write for me. Yes, it would be wonderful if one of the many magazines I pester published me, but that not happening wouldn't stop be writing. I really do want to be published though, just for the thrill of seeing my name in print, the confirmation that my writing is good, and a complimentary copy of a wonderful literary magazine is definitely a nice addition to the package.

things I find attractive

• confidence verging on cockiness
• ambiguity
• not playing games
• fascinating
• the ability to talk about life
• the ability to talk for hours about everything and nothing
• the ability to build a bedroom fort with me
• a good kisser, naturellement.
• the ability to like my shortcomings
• the ability to make me laugh
• the ability to have long night-time conversations with me
• the ability to lie under the stars with me and listen to me talking about the stars, constellations and planets
• an appreciation of books
• an appreciation of good music
• creative talents, eg music, art, literature
• lisps

I really like poems of this style

the soot builds up,
inside your heart,
your lungs,
your dreams,
it crawls through,
it is spreading inhumanity,
capturing,
conquering,
beware,
it began in the mind.

rambles and shambles

I hope you can guess what this is about from the title. If not, it makes sense, because what I'm about to write is really not much to do with the title whatsoever. That's how I roll. What you are about to read is a list of things I hate. See, I happen to be one of those people who just hate so many things but feels, I don't even know, bitchy, I guess, telling people. It's not that I particularly care about their feelings, because although I do generally care about people's feelings, I'm not in the least bit bothered when they're hurting mine, but actually the reason I say nothing is because it changes things and I like avoiding confrontation to the extent I can. I also believe that whenever you have a problem, sit down, feel sad, wait till it go's away, then forget it's existence. It's the way forward. I know it sounds silly, but really, forgetting things is better. You've already learnt from them, and holding on to them is holding you down, like an anchor at the bottom of the sea. You have to let go. 

So anyway, I hope people who I know read this list and just don't mention it and stop doing these things because they make me sad okay, that's kind of why I hate them.

1. People who are condescending and patronising. 

2. People who think I'm stupid. I'm not stupid, I'm cleverer than you, and while you achieve a satisfactory amount in life, I'll be better. 

3. People who think they know everything about me. Why in the world do you think you know what I do at home?

4. People who think I do nothing to help my parents and I'm a spoilt bitch. What is it that makes you think this way? Do I flaunt off all my money and purchases? No. Yes, I excitedly tell you about them, but that's because I'm HAPPY. Try the feeling out, see if it fits. I just don't understand how people can guess how much I help out at home by my behaviour and/or attitude in school. Seriously, I help out a lot more than most people. 

5. People who make fun of my height. I don't care who you are, I don't care how close we are, it's not funny. I don't find it funny, and if you're just saying it to make other people laugh even though you know it hurts my feelings, maybe you're not my friend after all. 

6. People who just generally make jokes about me/at me to make other people laugh. Is this what this friendship is about? There's a line. I don't mind with some to most people, because they're just nice, light-hearted jokes, and I can shrug it off because I know they don't mean anything. But there is an extent, naturally. If you know I don't like being made fun of on a specific topic, eg height and intelligence, then don't, because I won't shrug it off, and I'll just begin to resent you. 

7. People who make fun of how young I look. Do you think that I don't own a mirror? Do you think I haven't realised, after living with myself for approximately fifteen years? Just shut up, okay, or move. 

8. People who challenge my beliefs. I don't care what you think, I'm not going to change my opinion, and telling me my opinion is stupid and wrong is going to get neither of us anywhere. 

PICK FLOWERS NOT FIGHTS

A note to end this on: I respect hippy's and I wish I were one. Promoting peace and smoking weed all day sounds like a blissful way of life, no? 

what even is this

The leaves fall,

in spirals

a kamakaze,

a library

of shades of brown

they spin,

spiral,

out of control,

like you.

an opinionated person's opinion on opinionated people

So, this was a request. I know what you're thinking; she has readers? I guess so. It's mind-blowing to me too. Mind numbingly shocking, etc. You get the idea.

I'm kind of on the fence when it comes to opionated people. On one side, I quite dislike them because I think they just make up their mind, and no matter what, refuse to change it. Stubborn. I'll admit I like to think I'm always right too, but that doesn't mean I'm not open to other ideas or up to compromising. I personally think that's how it should be. I know not everyone would agree with me, but they should, because I'm right. While we're on the topic of me being right, I think everyone should get along. And by everyone, I mean every country. Obviously not every individual can get along, understandably, but that doesn't mean they can't grow a pair and just put up with each other. I wish all this feuding and etc would just end. I don't understand why all these countries who hate each other can't just try and understand each other. I understand the practicality issues when it comes to this, but they don't try! Why can't the leaders/goverments of the countries sit down together and try and form a compromise? You may laugh and think I'm just some delusional child, but let's face it, is war getting us far? No, it's bringing us back and dragging us down. You may say I'm naive, but really, I'm a lot smarter than you and your narrow-minded, violent beliefs. That's all I have to say on the topic.

Anyway, on the other hand, I think being opinionated can be a virtue. You have an opinion, a belief, and you're standing by it. It's better than being someone so utterly passive they just sit there and agree with everything everyone else has to say. I will admit, I am passive in some ways, but in ways you should be. Not when it comes to opinions. Yes, I guess I'm passive when it comes to confrontation and things similar to that, but there's nothing wrong with that. In the end, it's better than being blunt, because at least I'm considering that other people also have feelings, and those feelings may be hurt. Shocking, I know, but unforunately true. I really wish some people would stop and think of somebody else aside from themselves before they open the letterbox that is their mouth.

there is poison inside of us

We are somewhat of a garden. On the outside there is beauty. The outside, the visible, that is where the beautiful grows. That is where the daffodils, the roses and the tulips grow. They are what pull people in. Yes, they may not be necessarily what keeps them interested, but they iniate everything. People like to think of themselves as completely unsuperficial, but what a ridiculous idea to really have. You think it's disgusting to only consider looks, but equally so to only consider personality. A garden is beautiful to those who love it, no matter what. The gardener will see beauty in the roses whether they are in full bloom or wilting. However, a gardener doesn't just see the daffodils, the roses and the tulips. The gardener knows the garden. It is as simple as that, yes, the garden just simply knows the garden. That's all it takes. Familarity. But unlike the onlookers, the praisers, the gardener knows about the inner beauty too. The gardener sees the character of the garden, the smaller flowers, the supposed unappreciated flowers. But how can they be unappreciated if they are not seen? It simply comes down to the fact nobody wants to bother to look for them, because the onlookers and the praisers, all they want is beauty, simple, plain, easy-to-find beauty which is easily found in daffodils, roses and tulips. But do you think the smaller flowers care? Why would they want to be seen by the onlookers and the praisers, who will curse their pure beauty? The smaller flowers, the daisies, the dandelions and the buttercups, they are not perfect. But it's not about being perfect. The wonderful feeling one gets when discovering the smaller flowers in the midst of a chaotic garden is simply the feeling of discovering. It is that simple. Everything is simple, but the onlookers and the praisers, they wish to make things complicated, so their lives may resemble a world that does not exist, a world they simply know of through television and books. The smaller flowers are the part of the garden which you would lie under the stars with, they are the flowers who's visibility may be weak but their presence is strong. Lastly, there comes the weeds. Such an ugly word. Maybe it is the assumptions which make them so feared. The weeds, they contain poison. There is poison inside all of us. We may have beauty and intellect, but we also have poison. A perfect balance. The poison spreads. It must be controlled, or it can spread, and it can control the garden, and it manipulates the beautiful flowers and smaller flowers alike to think worse of themselves. It undermines them, puts them down, it wraps itself around them until they believe they are nothing. There is poison inside us all, there is poison in every garden, but there is a place for it. It's when it invades the forbidden territory that things get out of hand, and the garden transitions from beautifully chaotic to deranged madness.

opinions on life and death

I have little opinions on death. I think it's something that will happen to me someday, and that's okay, because I plan to achieve everything I can before dying. I know I'm going to die someday, and that's okay. Naturally, it devastates me when other's day, and I'm dreading the inevitable day where one of my close family members die, especially my dear nan, who is evidently sooner than the rest, but at the end of the day, what can you really do? Death is inevitable, and all we can do is make the most of our lives. Seize every moment! Enjoy it. Don't be the miserable little twat who likes to sit there and complain about his life and not recognise all the wonderful things he has. Yes, of course, we all complain, naturellement, but it's about recognising beauty in the little things. I walked home in the rain today, and it was blissful. I chose to, I could've took the bus, but it was just so much more refreshing to walk home in the barely spitting rain. It's about enjoying those little moments. It's about never forgetting the little things. It's about the people who you can sit with for hours and talk. It's about those moments you never want to forget. It's about love. Don't you see that's all you need? Naturally, everybody wants to have worldly achievements, including me, but at the end of the day, you won't be anywhere without love in your life, and you can live without everything, but love. Love doesn't mean a boyfriend or a husband. You love your family, and you love your friends, and you even love your pets. I think it's be so wonderful to die for someone, to die for a cause, to die for love. Yes, there would be so many things I wouldn't be able to achieve, but why does it matter? Why do those trivial, materialistic and worldly achievements matter when you have achieved the most important thing of all? You have managed to learn to love to such an extent, to love someone so deeply that you would put your life on the line for them. You're willing to give up everything for them, in a split second. That's what love is about. Love teaches us to be selfless and selfish. Love is a perfect balance of all the contradictions in the world? What more could you possibly want?

a rambling tangent of writing written on the 11th of april

The hardest days are the days we wish to not exist. Perhaps these days are worse than those days where the darkness overtakes us and we want to end our life. But wanting to end our life and wishing to not exist are different. Most people cease to realise the difference, those people who live in a world of ignorance. But ignorance is not always blissful, is it? These people, who want to put everything into neat little boxes, organising the chaotic mess that is life, as if it were that easy, and putting simple one word labels on the complicated species that are human beings, as if it is fair to do such things, these people, they are the worst off. These people do not understand themselves and never will. These people see themselves and the world as a 3D structure. But how could us humans ever be categorized as 3D? We are not capable of being as simple as one must be to be categorized as 3D. The dimensions in which we exist are eternal, much like the universe. Perhaps the best way to try and understand ourselves, is to try and understand the universe. But how can we ever even begin to understand it? Through science? How can a rational view explain the beautiful, the romantic, the emotional? You say the universe is none of those three. I disagree. The universe is nothing if not beautiful, romantic and emotional. You say the universe is nothing but elements? I say that is what makes the universe beautiful, romantic and emotional. The elements rage around us. They own us. They control us. They explode when they wish to. The elements are the puppetmasters, and we are the puppets. We think we're one step ahead, but in reality, we're being played. This is just a game.

the ability to fly

This is something I just wrote, and it's too early in the day to write in my diary, and frankly I have no desire to move, but somebody had to see it, if it were to be my diary or whoever happens to read this, it can't stay unread, do you see? Words are made to be read.

Everything's just so chaotic and disorganised and nothing makes sense. It's like standing in the middle of a crowded room, all alone, and even though everybody is screaming at the top of their lungs, to you it all melts away, and you think it's because you feel so alone inside but truth is, it's because you want to be alone, and the reason you want to be alone is because your unhappy. It's not normal unhappy either. This is deep unhappiness. This can be fatal if not treated in the right way. Deep unhappiness is like a ancient tree, the roots have grown so far down in the darkness that there is difficulty in locating them, but what's more, you can't seem to find anybody who will love you enough to dig deep enough for you. Everyone just digs enough to make a sandcastle and gives up, and you just wish you could let it all go. You wish there was someone who would leave the roots and just chop you down. Don't they see that's all it takes? Just chop you down so you can fly. So you can leave it all behind and fly.

m i s e r y

this is a poem, by yours truly. I am not morbid or depressing, but I can tap into the spirits around me. That's it.

Misery is a funny thing,

It is not impulsive and instant as anger is,

No, misery opts for a more sly and undercover technique.

Misery sneaks up on you.

Misery slowly slithers through you,

s l o w l y, it suffocates you,

It settles down in the pit of your stomach

And it slowly chokes you.

Misery is often mistaken for pain,

Really, how ludicrous!

Pain is a physical thing,

Misery is not physical.

Misery could not even be classed as emotional.

Misery is best described as a consequence,

How can you put a label on a consequence?

Misery is a snake,

Misery manipulates people into doing wrong deeds,

Wrong deeds misery can feed off,

It feeds off the emotions released from these wrong deeds.

The heart ache, the hurting, the betrayal, the regret.

Misery is the villain,

but not the kind that is easily spotted.

Misery is not the obvious villain in the menacingly black cape.

Misery goes undercover, remember?

Misery is the kind of villain with the heart-wrenching good looks.

Misery is the kind of villain who can be easily mistaken for the hero.

vintage vintage vintage

Warning: this blog post is a recap of my day today. Now that you've been warned, let's continue. So, today, I did something. Shocking, I know. Well, actually, I think I have been pretty productive in these holidays. I mean I've done some sort of revision and/or homework every single day, aside from the 4 days I was away in London, (despite this I still have quite a lot of undone homework and revision which I will be cramming in tomorrow). So, today I went to see the Hunger Games film. It was just absolutely and utterly amazing. I adored it. I went crazy every time Peeta came on the screen, because he's perfect and I love him and I just want to hold him, and even though I've read the book and so therefore I knew exactly what was going to happen next, I was still on the edge of my seat for the entire film, hissing such things as "run Katniss run" "hurry up Katniss they're stinging you!" "don't do that Katniss you stupid girl!". I really hate Katniss sometimes.

Anyway, afterwards, I went shopping. I wasn't alone, in case you're wondering. I have friends. So, we went to a few vintage/thrift stores, and I absolutely adore them. The annoying thing is I'm hardly ever in town, and I wish I was there every weekend so I could just buy things or at least window shop and discover every vintage/thrift shop in Liverpool. I hate how infrequent I'm there, but I also hate being out too much because I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my family and leaving my mum to do all the work and leaving my perfect baby sister. So, that sucks. I wish my parents went away more often so I could go out more often without feeling guilty. But then I also wish we had less exams and homework, and I was less lazy. So, I bought a vintage jumper, which was stained in places so I need to get it washed, but I wish I could've bought so much more. I've produced a fool-proof money making/saving plan up to next year on how to buy all the clothes I need and want.

I'm going to end this on this note: Jennifer Lawrence's face is actually genuinely perfect.

family based afternoons

So this afternoon, my mum invited my cousins around for "tea". It wasn't tea, but alright. Whatever. So, we had pastries, rolls, potato wedges and gaint costco cakes. Delicious. I'm hungry again though, and there's nothing to eat. I'm considering making myself some tomato soup with some toast, even though we're eating eating dinner in about two hours or so. Anyway, after we'd eaten, I sat with my cousin outside, and we talked. Just talked. I think that's really nice, just talking to someone. Just the two of you, outside or inside, just talking. It's blissful. Afterwards, I played tennis with my other cousin. Now, I like sports for two reasons. Firstly, because I'm competitive, and so naturally the feeling of winning is just, well, addictive. However, I love the feeling when you're playing sports. It's quite euphoric, with the endorphins and everything. I love it. I wish I played sports more often, but it's kind of out of my hands when there's hardly anyone to play with. Sadly I don't get the same euphoric feeling with plain simple, boring exercise for example running, because frankly, running just bores me. I'm getting a bike soon though, so hopefully that will satisfy my endorphins or however it works. If only my life were a film and all my friends were my neighbours!

this is me.

I am in my conservatory.

I am not smiling, although I usually do, because when posing for this picture and smiling, I looked deformed.

I am in my favourite chunky blue vintage jumper.

life expectancies

I happen to be one of those people who plan their life out. However, my life plan keeps changing. I guess it's because, obviously, what I want out of life keeps changing. Despite this, I'm almost certain that my current life plan is here to stay, because I believe the current me is here to stay!

So, I am 15 right now, currently in year 10, doing my GCSE's, and half enjoying myself. When I finish my GCSE's, I'm definitely staying for sixth form. For my A-levels, I want to do Biology, Chemistry, English Literature and Philosophy or Psychology, currently undecided which one. The reasons for these options will be revealed if you keep reading. After A-levels, I plan to move to London, hopefully attending Cambridge, Oxford, Imperial, King's College or University College University. In university I plan on studying medicine, which is the reason behind by Biology and Chemistry a-levels. During these five years of hell, or rather, university, I also plan on writing. Yes, you guessed it, I am an aspiring writer, and I plan on being a successful published author. After finishing university, I do not plan on becoming a doctor. Why? Because I absolutely despise the idea of entering a professional career. So, I will be using my medicine knowledge to become a charity doctor, helping those in poor countries who don't have the access to doctors, medicine, and general health care. That's it. Not too detailed, is it?

if only we could choose who we were to become

My name on this blog is Charlotte Ferris. I would just like to clear something up, oh non-existent readers. My name is not actually Charlotte Ferris. I wish it were. Not because I particularly adore the name. No, rather I wish I were the person Charlotte Ferris. I'll leave it up to you to find out exactly who Charlotte Ferris is.